The Daily Keg

Secret plans afoot in Crumlin

With the CSMAU's Managing Director move to Dublin, rumors are suddenly rife around the capital of secret plans being laid in the Presidential Residence in Crumlin...

Central Committee members remain tight lipped about the whisperings but The Daily Keg has learned of surreptitious stenography that only serves to lubricate the salacious scandal-mongering doing the rounds.
Sidney Sullivan-Smythe, a Stenographer with No Sighin' Signin' Ltd, claims that a job order he received recently is proof that the legendary Top Brass of the CSMAU are, as he put it, "up ta no good."

"Ah Jaysis buuud," says Sydney (43), "things were fairly quiet there in th'office,when all offa suddenlike, we gets this arder in fer a few soigns fer a gaff in Crumlin. I didn't tink much about it at de toime like," he goes on, "but when I mentioned it ta LongJohn Jim down de Dog & Mange I started gettin de heebeejeebies loike. Oul' Jim says he knows all about de CSMAU, an' I hafta say now buuud, I was a bit shocked loike..."

According to Sullivan-Smythe he has received orders for the printing of signs to, apparently, be hung on the interior doors of President Finty's gaff. The Senior Signwriter claims that the text of these signs include "Planning & Operations," "Danger: Hazardous Waste," and "Research Laboratory: Top Secret."

"Oi'm tellin ya buuud," warns Sullivan-Smythe, "the MD and that fecker President Finty are uppta no good."

Citing stories gleaned from publicans all over the city, the would-be whistle blower claims that the founding members of the worlds most disreputable drinking organization are planning something big. "It could be a disaster," claims the arty scribe, "they could be plannin' ta drink St James' Gate dry, or somethin' terrible loi' tha'..."

When contacted by The Keg neither President Finty nor his MD sidekick had any comment to make. Other senior members of the shadowy organization remain equally tightlipped, claiming they'd heard nothing of the rumored signage. Tanaiste Liam claimed only to know that the MD had moved back to Dublin "for work reasons" and said he hadn't a notion about any controversial sign ordering. "I haven't a notion," he said.

Given the unusual quietness from the CSMAU the Daily Keg can only promise readers to keep an eye on the situation and offer reassurance that, should further details emerge, they will appear here first...

World First for CSMAU!

On the 5th November, 2006, In a staggering show of technological prowess and sheer drinking stamina, the CSMAU successfully achieved a world first - a Trans-Global Hour of Power.

Utilizing the power of Skype, members in Australia, Europe and America joined together to drink one shot of beer every single minute for one hour, between 2 and 3pm GMT. As previously stated in this paper, the world's first ever Trans-Global Hour of Power began as a challenge between Perth-based member Charlie and Newcastle resident Fionn, but soon became a global event once word reached President Finty. Not satisfied with listening in to the Inter-Continental drinking between the aforementioned pair, Finty immediately demanded 'in' to the event. "I had to take part," said the founding father, "twas too good an idea to ignore."

Indeed, il Presidente did much more than ignore such an opportunity. Instead the cheeky chappie contacted his long-suffering brother in Texas, and persuaded the Laredo based Bren to join in the craic, thus turning it into a world event.

Despite the fact that this would involve getting up on a Sunday and having beer before the 1st coffee of the day, the CSMAU head honcho jumped at the chance. "Weh-ll, Ah knew it wuz gonna be tough," said the texan-twanged Townsend, "but an opportoonnidy like this only comes round once in a blue moon."

The day itself began with technical difficulties chez Presidente, with "thou'l Internet," as Finty put it, "switching off." Indeed, for a time the chuppa-cheeked chappie's house was totally disconnected from the approaching event, with the silence from the internet putting a severe dampner on the proceedings. "I thought BT had shut me out," said the president, "especially after I found a site where you can download loads of, erm, action films."

But his fears were short-lived as with almost 10 minutes to go, connection was re-established and the countdown could begin.
From start til end, members in Perth, Newcastle, Dublin and Laredo were in permanent contact, with other members in Cork, Dublin, Finland and Sweden dropping in and out of the fun. Throughout the event Charlie performed heroically as timekeeper, dedicating the whole of one of his monitors to displaying the countdown of every minute. Through the noisy hilarity of the hour his experienced voice calmy interjected with meticulous precision as he counted aloud the last 5 seconds of each minute.

In President Finty's residence sound was relayed through the surround sound system to prevent echo on the line. This later caused confusion to younger brother Peads who, after 20 or 30 shots started aiming his voice directly into the speakers, somehow thinking this would make his voice pick up easier despite the fact that the microphone on Finty's iMac was in the opposite corner of the room.

Throughout most of the hour, viola-player Karen kept tabs on events, typing furiously as Finty, brother Peads and pal Gav lashed into the cans. "I couldn't drink myself," said Karen, "cos I was doing a gig, so it made sense for me to begin a report on the event."

Finished, amazingly, by a woozy Finty after Karen left for the gig, The Minutes of the Hour of Power captures much of the ensuing madness and is presented here for all to enjoy.

The Hour itself ended in rather panicked fashion as Skype became overloaded, but with minutes to go calm was restored and participants were able to end to the intercontinental proceedings with, as President Finty could only manage, an "Inter...nental" Prost.

To those that took part, The Daily Keg salutes you. And to those that couldn't, we hereby reproduce The Minutes of the world's first ever Trans-Global Hour of Power.

Hour of Power Minutes...

Started after President Finty remembered he could be typin and drinkin at the same time... Carried on by Karen when he realised he couldn't. Finished by il Presidente when Karen had to leave. It's hard typing with only one finger...

Gav's shot glass... de jawb!

Participants:
Charlie in Perth
Fin, Peads, Gav and Karen in Rathmines
Steve, Jean, Bonsey, Fiona & Doug in Cork
Fionn in Newcastle
Conor in Finland
Kate in Sweden
Bren in Laredo, Texas

Shot 6:
This is feckin fab.... Intercontinental burping.. all good.

Shot 7:
General hilarity about recent Bones of Cork concert invitation - especially at Frosty's "Don't Bone Us, We'll Bone You" text reminder...

Shot 16:
Finty calls for an Internental Prost... can't say intercontinental... Lads try coaching - to no avail. Il Presidente has got Hour of Power 'slydexia'...

Shot 17:
Random thoughts from Fin's PA.

Fin reiterates that this is a fantastic idea. A simple challenge between two badly behaved CSM heads, Fin reckons it's now worthy of reclassification to a global phenomenon.

Shot 18:
Bit of reverb coming from the speakers. Technical talk.

Shot 19:
There is some German language being used in a very racist fashion. Steve Kelly wusses out of proceedings. It seems he is hooring himself out again for a gig. God only knows what he's doing for money now.

Shot 20:
Gavin shows sign of tiredness. Army training my ass. A letter will be written... Fionn is drinking Shenerbach. Spelling may be incorrect.

Shot 21:
Charlie has two monitors and is doing great work counting down the seconds.

Shot 25:
Douglas Kelly has joined the mayhem. He missed the start of all the fun because he was playing football with the local football team. Football indeed...

Shot 26:
Internental proceedings continue....everything's gone a bit confusededy.

Shot 27:
What is Doug laughing at?

Shot 28:
Gav is having a slash. Eoghan Kelly is here now. He sounds worried for everyone's health and sanity. Doug is concerned.

Shot 33:
Skype cannot cope with an intercontinental HOY. Shame that. Doug reckons we're gonna storm the Skype building.

Shot 34:
"A pooka pukah is a puke that surprises you like a little ghosty" President Finty, explaining things to Bren, Nov 5th, 2006, 14:34pm.

Shot 35:
A phonecall into Kelly's reveals Steve Kelly is locked out of his gig in the City Hall in Cork. Don't know how that happened. He only had three shots. Absence makes the heart grow fonder though. Steve will learn his lesson. It doesn't pay to hoor yourself for gigs when the Hour of Power is in play...

Shot 36:
Whole lot a burping going on. The boys in York Road have had one slash each. Good going.

Shot 37:
The rubgy hour of power will commence soon. England game is on de telly for after HoP...
The countdown for this shot was in Morse Code. We think Charlie misspelled it though. There is a boat parking itself in the front garden. Mayhem. The hour of power may have dire consequences for the residents of Dublin 6.

Shot 38:
Jean has joined proceedings. Brendan has offered her a gig. Will she follow her brother down the road of gig hoordom? Will she cross the Atlantic for cash?

Shot 39:
FIN NICKED MY FAG!
'A shonest mishtake' says the Fin.
Hmmmmm.

Shot 40:
Jean is gone again. More talk of the plight of Steve.

Shot 41:
"This is going very well. I think we should go for the 100 club" - Fin.

Shot 42:
Brendan has to sober up soon and drive 2 and a half hours to Corpus Christi.

Doug comes clean and admits twas he was responsible for the barf in the Kelly's bath tub a few years ago. Bonesy is shocked and appalled.

Shot 43:
Peadar is talking to the speakers.

He feels closer to his loved ones across the water this way.

Shot 44:
Karen leaves. Minutes carried on by Fin.
Mobile phone produced and, on loudspeaker, Apollo cabs is called

"Taxi to Mount Doom there please..." Yer wan hangs up... We're rumbled biys.
Shot
Peads on a Beer run... Bren demands a beer...
Jawb.

Shot 50
10 to go... de jawb!

Shot 55:
Skype overloads... frantic typing in Skype Chat keeps things on track. Feck I gootta get conference up an running again.

Shot 57:
Conference call up and running. No casualties. Lads in Rathmines drank an extra shot just to be sure. Burps prove all is aok.

Shot 59:
What shot? who cares... Circular drinking is the key... bring yer drink to the jacks!

Shot 60:
Internental PROST!! Fin still can't say intercontinental... Hour of Power slydexia sets in all over the planet. But the dog is done! PROST!! First ever Trans-Global Hour of Power! De JAWB!!

Minutes ended. My work is done. Prisident Finty singing off. Gotta wach England get lashed in the rugby.
Prost!

CSMAU to attempt Trans-Global Hour of Power

Leaked reports given to the Daily Keg in a dingy Dublin bar recently suggest that, in an audacious move, the CSMAU is about to embark on a world first, a Trans Global Hour of Power.

Using the power of the Internet members on three continents will attempt to hook up in a simultaneous display of unrivalled drinking prowess.

The idea it seems, eminated from Perth resident and De Facto Tanaiste of CSMAU The Next Generation, Charlie McCarthy, who, in a recent email, challenged former percussionist and current super snapper Fionn, to a Skype enabled Hour of Power.

The email in question found its way to a certain President Finty, who, when he was shown how to open an email, declared that two continents wasn't worth all the fuss. "Oz ta England? Shur ya could do that with de phone like," he said.

However once CSMAU boffins had explained the technological possibilities of Skype to the bewildered boyo, il Presidente lit up. Especially when he discovered you could call people for free...

Not known for having the quickest of thinking processes, the Prez nonetheless amazed those around him by asking if it would be possible to hook up members in the US as well as in Europe and Australia so that the CSMAU could be the first to attempt a Trans Global version of that most feared of drinking games, The Hour of Power.

This both flabbergasted and excited CSMAU boffins who hastily set about expanding Charlie's original challenge to encompass the globe. New versions of Skype are being installed on computers from Texas to Cork, Dublin to Perth in readiness for the record attempt.

On Sunday 5th November, Members are invited to look for Charlie or il Presidente on Skype and thus join the global conference call. Pre-match drinks can be had, with all those wanting to take part in position by a computer at 1.30pm GMT. This will allow time for hellos to be said and, crucially, for the network bandwith to settle down. The Trans Global Hour of Power itself will begin at 2pm GMT, 9pm in Perth, 9am in Texas.

All participants should of course have beer a-plenty in the fridge and shot glasses lined up in readiness for the off.

Time will be controlled by Premierski Charlie and his is The Word. So, every minute for an hour, when The Word is "Drink!" you must drink a shot glass of beer.

Easy rules, but carnage is quite possible.

But apprehension is the last thing of Presidente Finty's mind. According to himself he's like a chicken on a hot griddle in anticipation. "It's like a cat on a hot griddle only more intense," he said recently, "cos at the end you get to eat a drumstick."

He went on to outline some plans he's been hatching. "I'm gonna have a Skype party," he said. "Get anyone who wants to ta come round for de craic. It's gonna be savage," he added.

Word of this event has not pleased everyone however.

Chairman of Fathers Against Rowdy Teenage Shenanigans (FARTS), Joe 'Bunny' Culleen, is furious that such an event is now possible. "Honest to God," he said, "twas only a matter of time. Mix technology with that CSMAU shower and sooner of later there'd hafta be beer involved."

Wife Jinny agrees, saying "that lot are a walking disaster. And now with that damn Skype thingy they're only gonna be spreading their rowdy behaviour around the globe even faster than they are already. We'll hafta lock up the kids."

But the vibe on the street is only of excitement. Head honcho of CSMAU TNG, and brother to il Presidente, Peads, is looking forward to the event so much he's even planning on kipping in Finty's gaff the night before just so he can get into the swing of things from the moment Sunday dawns.
"It's gonna be mental," he said.

The Daily Keg will have a full report on the Trans Global Hour of Power as soon as details emerge.

Top CSMAU Crytographer unlocks secrets of AGM Minutes

Nearly two months after the most recent CSMAU AGM the minutes of that celubrious meeting have at last been deciphered and made available to the public.

Teams of exhausted specialists were jubilant after spending the weeks since the AGM methodically working out just what it was that the President had been writing during the gathering last September in Rody Bolands pub in Rathmines, Dublin 6.

Cryptographer Lotta Scriebling said it was the hardest case she'd taken on in her 15 years of decyphering difficult writing. Not even her MA in Doctors Prescriptionography had prepared her for il Presidente's writing. "It vas like it vas written in svahili und svabbed in soup," she said.

The problem, it transpired, was that the medium the ruddy-cheeked Prez chose to write on was, unsurprisingly, beermat. Budweiser beermat to be precise, something that is notoriously difficult to write on. "It iss terrible stuff," shivered Ms Scriebling, "it's like making ze writing on ze slice of bread."

The difficulties were exacerbated by the fact that the AGM happened AFTER the All Ireland Hurling Final, and il Prez had been out for hours BEFORE the game. Additionally he was said to be visibly upset by the fact that all that effort had been in vain. "He was very upset by Cork losing," a spokesman said.

Witnesses add a certain air of veracity to that claim, with some telling The Daily Keg that the CSMAU's Head Honcho was, indeed, 'Tired and Emotional' - as they put it. "Shur he'd spent the day in Rody Boland's in Rathmines," one witness said, "he was banjaxed."

The President's 'emotional' condition added to the legibility problems of the minutes in question. Ms Scriebling, a world expert in beer fueled meanderings said the writing she was asked to decipher was the worst she'd ever seen. "It vas like as if you had tied a biro to a small finger mit an elastic band," she said, "und zen asked ze owner of zat little finger to write a book in ze Greek spoken by Aristotle."

The CSMAU's Head Honcho is delighted by the news, saying "it's great ta be able ta read what me brain was tryin' ta get me hand to write. Twas a tricky one aw right like. Hard ta write de minutes when yer demented like."

Ms Scriebling is likewise pleased with the outcome. "It's a very goot feeling," she said, adding "knowing that you rescued important ze vork from vot could haff been ze disaster... ya zat's a nice feeling."

**The minutes are here in this month's Daily Keg for all those who wish to read them.**

Minutes of CSMAU AGM, Rody Bolands, Rathmines, Dublin 6, Sept 3rd 2006

These here are the minutes as recorded, of the CSMAU's 2006 AGM held in Rody's - great pub - a few hours after d'All Ireland Hurling Final an' after a rake of pints. Looovely pints. Up de Rebels. Feckin Cats. Right. Off we go. Rebels here Rebels there Rebels... ok. Minutes. Minutes. Right.

Present:
il Presidente finty; MD Dec, Tanaiste Liam, Foregn Rep Sean, Bonesy Kelly, Steve Kelly, Tomas Barret, de Peads, Senior Pat - and representing Female sex, Vick.

Apologies: Ange, who had to leave early - comment from Miss CSMAU 89 "I'm fecked off with meetings"

Agenda:
1 Update on site; 2 bet; 3 promotion; 4 AOB; 5 next meeting.
Comment: Brevity please.

Item 1 - CSMAU.com
Site is currently being upgraded: New front page, new calendar for I'll Drink To That, new-look Daily Keg, new site-wide navgation, new prost videos, new-look Midleton Update section, new contact form and The Snug, a new-look forum.

Comments: "Daycint" "De jawb biy" "Excellent."

Motion: New Look Approved
Proposed: Dec; Seconded: Liam; Passed: unanimously

Item 2 - The Bet

[Discussed at great length]

Bet is as stands - ie the first man (of the 3 buckos) back down the aisle.

Proposal by Dec: Should the whiskey be of the same vintage as the bet itself?

Discussion re visiting The Irish Whiskey Shop on Dawson St to ascertain price of a vintage 1990 Midleton Rare. Move to strike this as a requirement as the bet made no mention of Year. Luck in for Paraic so. Still, if a fella thought "shur that'd be a nice idea..." then that would be daycint...

Discussion: Should the bet continue after Paraic n Riana tie the knot?
Decision: Best that the current Bet be declared a done deal at their wedding.

Proposal: New bet to be proposed on that date.
Resolution: Parked. Let's see what state the lads are in at the time...

Item 3 Promotion of site and org

Resolution: everyone to start lashin' in to new members. Tomas Jnr to be spearhead of new drive to recruit yet another generation.

Discussion: What should a new generation be called?
Proposals: CSMAU na hOige, The Nextest Generation, The New Power Generation...

Resolution: Ask question in The Snug, create a Poll
Action: il Presidente to start thread when site goes live.

Motion: Tomas Jnr to be President (Uachtarain na hOige?) of newest generation. Title to be part of thread.

Proposed: Finty
Seconded: Sean, Dec

Decision: Passed unanimously

Item 4: Any Other Business

Motion: CSMAU resoundly applauds the Cork Hurling Team's valiant attempt at a three in a row, loyally proclaims allegience to said team, accepts defeat in said match with dignity and says 'fair enough kids' to Kilkenny, but firmly resolves that Cork will be back again next year.

Proposer: Finty, on behalf of the entire CSMAU

Unanimous 'Ayes'

Stephen's Night.
The CSMAU has outgrown not one, but two pubs in terms of crowds going out on St Stephen's night. For all generations to enjoy the night we need a new venue for the 'The Day After Christmas Session.'

Proposal: We hire the upstairs room of An Spailpin Fathanach on South Main St. Cork. Porterhouse to play as usual with Tomas Snr (fiddle) and Noel (banjo) joining Finty and Conor on stage. De Peads will do percussion and we'll get Fionn to do de drums.

Finty: All those in favour?

Unanimous 'Ayes'

Motion carried

Update: THIS IS CONFIRMED. CSMAU session is GO! Tell everyone!

Addendum to above: Tomas Jnr's 21st is around then. Tomas Jnr to heavily promote said night and bring along the 100 or so top totties he promised he could. Legendary Status to be conferred on him if he pulls it off.
[Addendum to the addendum: Liam to never again attempt double entendres such as the above. In Favour? Ayes. Motion passed]

Motion:

Peadar and Vicky to have a party in Dublin when they move back from Bettystown, whether they like it or not.

Proposer: Liam

Seconder: Finty

Motion carried unanimously.

Item 5: Date of Next Meeting

September 2007 - exact date to be fixed, depending on which Sunday the GAA decide to play the Hurling Final which Cork, we fully expect, will be part of.

Those in favour?

Passed Unanimously.

And thus endeth the meeting.

PROST!!!

CSMAU.COM Gets A Facelift!

A delighted President Finty emerged from the basement labs of CSMAU HQ recently declaring that "them boffin fellas have done it again." Referring to the team of skateboard riding, foosball playing 'creative' types that seem to spend their day lounging in beanbags rather than working at their PCs, the President went on to say "they may be a bunch of spoiled pups, but in fairness the new-look site is well handy."

And indeed 'handy' is the main thrust behind the redesigned CSMAU website. Lead designer Lucas O Neill explained "well, roight, we just had to do something. The navigation was all over the gaff. Loike, if you were in the Prostworld section, you had to go back to the home page to go any where else. Loike, that's just sooo last year. And calling the Home page 'The Bar'. Loike, what's that about? Today's surfer wants familiarity, speed, the ability to jump from page to page, he doesn't want to have to go 'Back to the Bar' all the time."

President Finty is wistful on that point. "I like going back to the bar," he said.

However, he did acknowledge that the site was tricky to get around, "especially after a few pints." This, combined with the fact that it hadn't been updated in ages, were the spurs to hire in a whole new team to give the award winning website a good shot in the arm. "Arrah, twas time really," said the President, "it's been buggin' me since 'The Wedding' last year."

Commenting on the team that built the original site and gave it it's first make-over, he said "they did a fantastic job in all fairness. Shur we even got a Golden Web award one year." Adding that the additions over the years of a Forum and picture Gallery were a great feature, he did admit that things had gone a bit flat in recent times. "It just got a bit much really, he said, "especially updating the I'll Drink To That and The Keg pages. They were a fierce bane altogether for the lads."

Now though, a handy calendar on the home page means that the I'll Drink To That section is now gone from the workload. "It's amazing," said the chuppa-cheeked chappie, "the team just put in all the information in a database and that's it - no more monthly updating required, and tis much more fun for the members too."

The Daily Keg too has undergone a major facelift with the new-fangled Blog technology taking the major grind out of creating new stories. "The newsroom says tis de dogs," says the Prez. "Apparently the new lad can now lash a story up in double quick time, so y'never know, Keg stories might actually become current," he added.

Referring to the new addition to the Newsroom, the editor known only as The Quill Of Truth, the President said "he's a fierce fella for de snoopin'. Twas part of his contract that we'd get him a way to get stories up as fast as possible. This Blog thing apparently will do the trick."

Acknowledging that he's not the fast car on the grid, President Finty said "I don't know how they do it. I mean yer man Anto is like Neo out of the Matrix. He should get a medal." The man in question, Canadian member Anthony Kauffman, has indeed been of enormous help to the site-team. A programmer of stunning speed and an expert in what's termed 'Backend' Anto has single handedly revolutionized how the CSMAU's web presence will function. "He made it all possible," said the CSMAU's Head Honcho, adding, "we're gonna get him trousered when we get him out."

But it's not all about fancy bells and whistles. Each section of the site now has navigation buttons so users can jump all over the site at will. And as they were being added, each page got a subtle new look to go with the fancy buttons. "Twas supposed to be a little thing," said designer Lucas O Neill, "but loike, when you go tampering like that, roight, you find it's the little things that tooootally wreck you."

Weeks of late nights have, however paid off, with the site now looking cleaner and better than it ever has before. "Tis de danglers, biy, de danglers," said President Finty. Admitting that years of working with an IT company as Tea Boy and General Dogs Body has failed to give him a grasp of what he termed "all that computer stuff," he went on to say "I don't know how they do it. That web team might be a bunch of lazy, square-glasses-wearing dossers, but when they does it, they does it right."

The Daily Keg hopes that members agree, and that they'll be encouraged to make use of the site on a daily basis. "There's even an RSS thingumebob in the Keg page," says Lucas O Neill, "so you can have Keg updates sent to your computer automatically. It's loike, sooo now."

And with the blog facility making Keg updates a breeze the editor in charge had only this warning for CSMAU members. "Watch out," he said, "our whistle blowers are everywhere. If you sneeze we'll know..."

Furious TNG Prez denies False Wedding allegations

The President of CSMAU The Next Generation was embroiled in controversy recently when allegations emerged claiming that his wedding last December was all just a blatant excuse to have Mid-Winter knees-up.

The shocking claim was made by Concepta O Keefe, Chairwoman of Ladies Against Grossly Exuberant Rowdiness (LAGER). At a press conference last month the mother of two stated that it was her belief that the so-called Wedding Of The Year was an elaborate sham designed to do nothing more than get members of the CSMAU and assorted other characters totally hosed in a manner, she said, that would "make a wino retch."

"We all know them CSMAU are nothing but a gang of delinquents," she said, " and we all know that they like nothing better than to party like madmen, keeping ther rest of usout of the Trident Hotel - and we with actual legitimate need of the place."

Daughter Consumpta agrees. "I was supposed to be havin' me own weddin' there that day," she said, "but when I found out the CSMAU were going to be in town I cancelled the lot and moved out to Ballincollig." And it's this cancellation that has sparked the furious row. "I didn't mind the move so much," she said, "anything was better than sharing with that crowd. But when I found out that the wedding was faked I had to say something."

It turns out that Consumpta's younger brother Con was the altar boy on the day in question. "He told me that the papers the so-called Bride and Groom signed were actually faked, and so weren't married after all."

The shocking allegation was actually confirmed by sacristan Barry Curtain who told The Daily Keg that the documents the legendary couple used to seal the deal, as it were, were not the correct ones and thus their marraige was not actually legal.

"Twas all a set-up," says Concepta O' Keefe. "That pair just wanted to pretend they were gettin' married so they'd get loadsa house stuff for the new gaff in Bettystown. That and invite half the world to annoy those of us who believe that Kinsale should be a nice town, not a den of drunken debauchery like them CSMAU hooligans prefer."

The President of the younger wing of the worlds finest drinking organization vehemently denies these allegations, stating that Ms O' Keefe's claims of deliberate wholescale partying was way off the mark. "She's suppin' out of completely the wrong barrel," he said.

While not denying the veracity of the central claims, President Peads denies that the party of all parties was held just for the sake of it. "That's a loada bollox," he stated categorically. "That woman has got it all wrong. What happened was a mix-up, that's all. We signed the wrong papers, but it wasn't our fault. We were as shocked as anyone to find out."

Solicitor Morgan Kilbride confirmed the mistake, explaining that while the religious aspect of the wedding was valid, the wrong paperwork at the signing of the register meant the happy couple weren't officially married in the eyes of the Revenue. "And we all know," he said, moments before being struck by a sudden lightning bolt, "that Revenue is more powerful than God."

His evidence backs up the semi-wed's story, with the Peads anxious to explain that "it's been mad all year knowing that yer married but still only getting Single Person's Tax Credits." He went on to explain that the whole episode did have it's up-side. "It meant we effectively had to get married all over again," he said. " And, erm, well, that meant that there was a certain, erm, ritual to be observed..."

Concepta O Keefe is not convinced, however, preferring to think the whole wedding day was all a deliberate rouse. "I'm not convinced," she said. "That story about them getting 'properly' married last month sounds very suspicious. Maybe they got a guilt trip and went off to a registry office or something. On the quiet." She went on to state "I'm going to keep asking the ladies in LAGER if they've heard anything, and if I find my Concumpta had to move to Ballincollig just because that shower of brazen pups wanted a party, then there'll be hell to pay."

Newest bundle of joy spells end for Tanaiste's bundles of joy

With the loss of earnings from the Jagglemeister's shock announcement still ringing in their ears, staff at Paddy Power's were handed a lifeline recently with the arrival of the CSMAU's newest Under-Ager, Miss Grace Julie Maher.

The latest budle of joy to enter the Tanaiste's household was born in double-quick time on 31st of July and brings to three the number of Maher Juniors in the Summerhill North residence. PA to the Tanaiste and mother of the newest CSMAU member-in-waiting Kaye, said it was all over before she knew it. "Well," she said, "maybe not that quick, but quick enough."

Baby Grace has the Tanaiste wrapped around her tiny little finger already. "She's a little gem," he said, adding "she even sleeps solid for long enough to feel like you've got a decent night's sleep." Even during a period when PA Kaye was ill, Liam found he was just about able to cope with things of a feeding-type nature. "She was great," he said.

These newfound matronly instincts are timely, because rumour has it that number three will also be number last. Paddy Power spokesman Phil House says that reports have reached the legendary Turf Accountants that the Tanaiste has been looking with increasing apprehension at the frozen peas section at his local Tescos supermarket. "It's like his mind is elsewhere," he said, "like the peas trigger an internal thought process that fills him with dread."

While the Tanaiste himself scoffs at such rumours, President Finty reckons he may have the lowdown on the strange behaviour. "I even put a tenner on what I reckon is going on," he said.

Other snippets of rumour suggest that certain doctors in Cork who specialize in 'Man Issues' may well be lining up for a lucrative contract. "It makes sense," says the follicly challenged President. "Frozen peas are well known to be the only thing for getting over The Snip." Referring to a certain Texas-dwelling member of the CSMAU fraternity, the shiny scalped scoundrel went on to reminisce about a time when frozen peas were used to 'lower the swelling' as it were of the afore-mentioned honcho. "Twas murder biy," he said, "the poor fecker went through a whole freezer of peas in one day. And carrots too. I didn't get no veg with me dinner that night."

These kind of stories are proving too much for the altitudinally endowed Tanaiste. "He's giving me the heebee-jeebees now," he said. "Especially when he suggests that three is all I'll be getting."

But comments like these are not proper denials of the rumours that abound in Paddy Power offices all over the country. Indeed, when challenged directly, the Tanaiste tries to deflect attention with his trademarked chuckle, something that always hints that the challenge has indeed more than a whiff of truth about it.
PA Kaye, while not actually contributing to the debate, has not done anything to quosh the rumours either. With enigmatic comments such as "No more now," she may well, in fact, be telling us that three is indeed a crowd.

Taking both reactions into account Paddy Powers have opened odds of 7/5 on the Tanaiste waving goodbye to his bundles of joy in the near future.
"We'd like to offer better," says Phil House, "but with the CCTV cameras showing the Tanaiste buying 5 bags of peas at a time, we can only surmise that the decision has at least been made. It's very much a case of Watch This Space."

By which he means The Daily Keg, and not, we presume, Liam's trouser area...

MD Ups Sticks and Returns To Motherland

Shares in the Liffey Valley shopping centre took a turn for the worse recently when a delighted CSMAU MD announced that, after 15 years in Dublin, he was upping sticks and heading home to the land of his forefathers.

Staff at Marks & Spencers, Boots and Woodies were said to be distraught and in fear of their jobs with the news that one of their best customers was leaving town. "He was a great man for the bulk-buy nappies," said Boots store assistant Bernice O Farrell, 25. "I'm devastated he's leaving."

Staff members of other stores were equally upset. Danielle O Leary, 32, from Marks n Spencers, said she was gutted. "He was always popping in for th'oul ready-made Chinese," she said. "One of our best customers, he was." Assistant Manager Mark Spencer admitted he too was devastated by the news. "He practically kept the shop going all by himself," he claimed, adding "You can't buy loyalty like that."

In Woodies, DIY Assistant Fidelma Nolan is considering her future. "I don't know what I'm going to do," she said. "He was always in looking for a new hammer one week, or a new shelf another. With him going off to Cork there doesn't seem to be much point in staying on here."
Fidlema has a long history of DIY Supply to the EverReady MD, providing everything from 'floating' shelves to the famous decking that adorned the former home of the CSMAU's Number 2. Indeed it was she who sold him the now infamous shed in which - having not touched a drop - the MD found himself locked. "I shoulda glued the instructions to the outside," she said wistfully.

For his part the MD is delighted with his decision. Sales slumps not withstanding, he thinks that moving south was the only thing for him, and especially his eldest scallywag Steven. "I had to make a move," he said, "shur the feckin creche was wreckin' the poor fella. They had him talking like a Dub."

According to the MD, he started thinking of a return to the People's Republic the day Steven walked in the door saying "Ah reed bud." "Twas an awful shock," he said, adding "twas bad enough thinking that the only birds he'd meet at school would be Dubs, but to hear him starting to talk like one was just too much."

Casting aside his much trumpeted French Horn, the daring desperado decided to abandon his seat in the haloed desks of the Concert Orchestra's brass section, for a while at least. "I'm taking a year out," said the MD, "just to see how it goes." He reckons that it'll take a year for someone to un-dent his seat back to prestine, non-MD shaped, perfection, but by the same token, the occupant's 'groove' wouldn't be too engrained should he decide to return. "Tis de berries," he said recently, "I gets to come back if the life of an ordinary joe soap isn't to me liking."

But being an ordinary joe soap is what it's all about for now. CSMAU Secretary Ita, wife to the MD, says the life is grand now they're all home. "Tis better than de berries Dec," she said, "tis de danglers biy, de danglers. Being able to see me mam n dad is de mutts nuts."

The return of the MD means another of the CSMAU's founding members is now on Leeside. "It's a great feeling," said the MD upon settling into his new abode in Bishopstown. "All that's left now is for us to work out how to get the President out of Rathmines and down here to where he belongs."

This thought, as it happens, is never far from President Finty's mind. "Tis always there," says the solar panel-topped Prez, "which is why I'm delighted the MD made the move. He's been away for so long he'll need the time to readjust before I get back."

And adjusting is just what the MD is doing. "It's mad not having to spend most of me day in traffic," he says. "Life in Cork is great - the move was definitely worth it. Shur just yesterday my young fella called me a langer. Twas beautiful biy, beautiful."

Shock News spells end of Midleton Bet

Houses in Passage West outside Cork city were nearly swamped last July, when news erupted that the CSMAU's Top Stunt Dancer, Jagglemeister Paraic, had popped the Mother of all Questions. Suddenly, after years when hope was all but abandoned, the Midleton Rare Bet, it emerged, was finally entering it's End Game.

Sunamis of shock rocked the boats of the quiet hamlet of Passage, while Vera Murphy of The Crescent got her shoes wet coming out of the chipper. "Twas a fierce shock," she said. "There I was with a bag of chips for me and a pie for himself, when what should I find only Passage in flood."

But Passage wasn't the only thing that was flooded. Phone lines at Paddy Powers were also swamped as punters rang in from all corners of the globe. Spokeswoman Joanna Bett said staff were near to collapse. "It's been the biggest rush of last minute punting since the England penalty shoot out. Though that was Against in that case."

Back in Passage, long suffering better half Riana is in shock. "I'm in shock," she said, adding, "I never thought I'd see the day. I thought he was going to do it up in Galway, and when he didn't I'd kinda resigned myself. That bloody Midleton Bet seems to paralyze them lads."

But it's far from paralysis that the other two members of the famous wager find themselves. President Finty is said to be cock-a-hoop while Foreign Rep McCarthy is grinning ear to ear. "It's great news," he said. "Time it happened. I've been giving him all the time and space he needs. I even neglected my own needs to help him."

A spokesman for il Presidente expressed delight on behalf of the chirpy chappie, saying that the CSMAU's head honcho was so happy with the news that he'd emptied out his 'Just In Case I Loose' account and had gone off on a 6-week-long bender to celebrate.

The original Bet, made during a New Year's Eve party at which the three buckos found themselves to be the only singles, stipulated that the first man down the aisle would buy the other two a litre of Jameson. At the time this would have meant a two-way Duty Free shopping trip so this was deemed a serious wager. But the stakes rapidly grew higher, culminating in a wallet shrinking Bottle of Midleton Rare, a Day Out in the Midleton Distillery, and a meal, all expenses paid, in a restaurant within 10 miles of Midleton. Which everybody knows, means Ballymaloe House...

Tragically for women all over the world, the lads should have said the Last man down the aisle. But they didn't, and years of dodging the bullet have frustrated countless bookies and punters alike. After news broke at Christmas of the addition of a presidential First Lady to the equation hopes were high that action might be immanent. But expectations were slowly deflated when President Finty admitted that he'd have to wait til next year at the earliest to be able to make any moves. "Not til I gets me SSIA money," he says.

This proved to be a major disappointment internationally, especially as hopes of any move from Foreign Rep Sean proved to be futile due to the fleet-footed flossmeister's continuing and spectacularly single minded denial of the fact that salsa makes him a slinky catch for Corks sashaying finest.

But while the news that emerged for Passage may have brought a sense of ecstatic relief for two of the three senior honchos, the Bet, according to Jagglemeister Paraic at least, is still very much in play. "I'm still holding out that il Presidente might sneak up on me," he says. "What with the First Lady being in Cork and rumours of him looking to escape Dublin, there's a long way yet before any string quartets get The Call."

While this may indeed be the case, there is sufficient grounds for Paddy Powers to believe that, although quartet's may not have received the call, there is no doubt that, finally, at last, The Fat Lady may indeed be clearing her throat.